21 reasons
by thatssokelly
Summary: Even if Kurt knew his world was coming down after his parents divorce, what he didn't know was how much a post on Tumblr would change his life. Warnings for self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

Hi there, everyone! I know this is not like ABAO at all, but this two-shoot is really important for me and I wanted to share it. I know you surely read this everywhere but please, PLEASE, talk with someone if you feel like Kurt; if you have problems with self-harm or depression or any problem at all, just talk with someone, look out for help; there's always someone willing to help, to listen.

So, as I said it has two parts and I'm sure the second one will be up next week. And, as always, I want to thank my beta, Camille, for her help once again and for being such an adorable, lovely cupcake and great friend.

**Warnings for self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts. I swear it has a happy ending, though.**

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**I**

Sitting alone in a corner of his room, Kurt Hummel was crying so hard he was choking.

He was tired. Angry. Disappointed.

Since his parents had divorced when he was twelve, he felt like he had lost both of them. For the first years, his mom became obsessed with his father's life. What was he doing, who was he seeing, everything. And she used Kurt to know every little detail.

On the other hand, his relationship with his father hadn't been that great in the time before the divorce. So he wasn't expecting it when his father almost demanded that Kurt spend half of the week with him in his new house and every other weekend too. He also wasn't expecting it when his father started yelling at him all the time for nothing and made him become the house maid.

Kurt had to do everything at his father's house: clean, wash and rinse the dishes, wash and iron the clothes even if they weren't his, cook, set the table. Everything. He was also expected to have perfect grades at school and never talk back or argue about anything.

Life at home with his mom was totally different. She had to take care of every little detail, she'd get anxious if she didn't and, of course, didn't let him do anything… but then she would get angry 'cause he didn't help her with nothing and complain that she had to do everything on her own.

His mother was lost. There was no other way to explain what was happening with her. She had spent so many years with her husband telling her what to do and when, that she was at a loose end without him.

The big problems started when both his parents started seriously dating people and engaging in new relationships after they casually dated a few people here and there.

They totally forgot about Kurt.

They both started trying to change the designated days that they were supposed to have Kurt in their homes and then tell him to 'tell his mom/dad to stop changing the arranged days because they already had plans.

They already had plans…

Didn't anyone think about Kurt's feelings? Being treated like an object that they wanted one day but on the next would throw him away.

So he started closing into himself; he wouldn't talk if not spoken to and spent the whole day –at least when he wasn't in the school- closeted in his room.

School was far away from being his safe haven. He was different and people don't like different and they were anything but shy when they expressed their displeasure.

Kurt didn't have many friends. All the ones from past years had already transferred to different schools or moved. And he was already used to being closed off and practically lived with his earphones in, so he didn't make any new friends.

After dating a few more people, his mother started seeing this one guy and she seemed really happy with him; and so did his father when he was introduced to a friend's cousin. And Kurt was happy for them, really. But the only problem was that both their partners lived in different states.

So if he had felt alone and left behind before, it was nothing compared to what was coming. Both his parents would forget the parent /teachers nights – and blame the other for it, of course- talk on the phone with their couples while _having dinner_ or _sharing something_ with Kurt, the fights between them became regular again, 'cause they both wanted to leave for weekends and expected the other to "_have Kurt at their house_", as if he was a pet or something. Of course, Kurt felt like no matter which one of his parents would go away, the one who had to take care of him would resent him the whole week. Actually, he felt like, at that point, both his parents would have rather not having him in the first place.

Soon he started having problems with himself.

Kurt felt unwanted. He didn't feel good enough.

How could someone want him when even his parents would have preferred not having him around? That was a question he had in his head all day, every day.

What happened next was just an _accident, a stupid accident_.

He was on internet after having a huge fight with his father, in which the older Hummel told him that no one _cared _about him, no one wanted a _depressed_ kid around them. So he looked up for "depression" on internet. Along with the definition, the symptoms and the different types of depression he found a lot of blogs of depressed people who'd harm themselves and upload photos, others who'd made the most beautiful yet painful poems or songs. Or there also were ones who invited you to share your experiences or feelings. He also found people who were saying that they were going to kill themselves or harm themselves 'cause they couldn't take it anymore due to their differing situations.

That was how he found himself awake late at night, or early in the morning, talking to strangers in different parts of the world out of suicide or self-harming. He found out that most of them, or the ones who'd answer him, would tell him that he didn't understand 'cause he surely had a nice life full of rainbows. He also found lots of people who'd post about killing themselves every single day and they'd answer the people who sent them mails not to do it that they "couldn't take it anymore and that life just didn't matter" but half an hour later they'd be posting some silly thing about a band or a show they liked. At first, he got glad they felt better but, as the days passed by and they kept saying they were going to kill themselves that very minute and again ten minutes later they'd post a photo about their milkshake or the cookies the made, he started getting suspicious. Were they really that depressed or did they just need someone who told them that they mattered? Kurt didn't understand them: why would they do that entire circus every day and actually worry people? Was it all a lie and they were simply laughing at people's concern? Was there someone who talked them out of suicide every day or was it to get attention? He didn't know and he didn't understand.

After a few weeks of entering to the Depression tag on Tumblr every day, he found a post about addictions, and self-harming was one of those. The post said that if you did something for twenty one days, like smoke or cut, it'd become an habit.

Kurt didn't believe that, and then was when he made a mistake: he decided to show himself that harming himself wouldn't ever become addictive even if he did the twenty one days thing. How could someone become addicted to something so painful? For a start he didn't even understand how could it "relieve" people, as tons of teenagers said on their blogs.

So he started cutting himself.

At first he'd find just some semi-sharp things and slid them against the skin of his forearms, leaving just some reddened scratches or cutting just a little bit, not even seeing blood there. But, as much as he kept looking at the pictures in internet, he became more secure that he was doing it all wrong… and it wouldn't work if he was doing it wrong. So he bought a few blades and sharp things, like a knife or even a pencil sharpener, from which he later took off the blade. Once he had it all and disinfected it all too, 'cause it was one to cut himself to prove him he was stronger than everybody thought and he wouldn't fall into the same thinking; but it would be silly to get an infection or a disease 'cause he hadn't disinfected the tools.

So he tried again. He cut himself on the same arm he had scratched earlier but he tried to really cut himself this time, not just some light marks. He found that it hurt more when he poured alcohol on his cuts than when he was actually cutting the skin.

As the days went by he kept doing it, without realizing it he was cutting himself deeper and deeper each time.

Things with his parents were worse every day and he felt more and more self-conscious. He felt really worthless and every little silly thing he'd do wrong would feel like a proof that he wasn't good for anything. If he got a bad score on a surprise exam, if he accidentally broke a cup while washing the dishes, if he forgot his pen in his house and realized it in class, if he cut himself while shaving, if one of the potatoes was slightly burned, if he couldn't do a math equation… every little thing showed him that he wasn't good for anything.

He hated to see how his parents would look at him with so much hate but then they'd had the sweetest tone and the biggest smile on their face when their partners would call. He hated how masochistic he felt when he'd sit on the other side of the door where one of his parents was, just to hear them laugh. If he squeezed his eyes really hard, he could pretend that they were laughing with him, that they did actually care.

A week into his twenty one days experiment, he had a huge fight with his father again. The old man told him once more that no one cared or loved him, that he was good for nothing that he was just a bother to everyone around him. And Kurt believed it. It was true, there was no one in the world who actually cared about him, who'd call him to see how he was or would visit him if he had an accident and was in the hospital. Actually he believed that not even his parents would be at his funeral if he died. Why would they if they had new partners who were their sun and stars? He wasn't good for anything either. Everything he did, he did it wrong. And he _was _a bother, his parents practically shoving him in each other's arms was his proof.

As soon as he got to his room sobbing, just wanting to disappear. He reached straight under his bed, where he kept a little black box with his blades and knives. He didn't realize what was he doing, he just threw his hoodie away and started cutting time and time again. Each cut was deeper than the other, slicing himself from his wrist to the inside of his elbow and soon his jeans and the floor were covered in crimson drops. When he couldn't find anywhereon that arm that wasn't already red, he turned to the other, and then, his legs. Ten minutes later he was covered in blood and cuts, his sobs had gone quiet and he wasn't really thinking about the fight with his father, he wasn't thinking about anything actually. He just felt numb, like he wasn't really there. So when he felt like it, he stood up and went to the bathroom to take a shower, feeling more relaxed than he had in years. Yeah, the hot water hurt like a bitch on his wounded skin, but he didn't really care. He took the time to clean well each cut, though. Then he looked for an old towel and wet it under the water to clean his bedroom's floor.

When he finished he put some old baggy and long sleeved clothes, and went downstairs to clean his stained jeans. He wasn't expecting it when his father approached him crying and told him how sorry how was for what he had said and that Kurt was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he loved him so much. He also wasn't expecting the tight hug his father gave him. How much time had passed since one of his parents had showed him love like that? Since _anyone _showed him a little love?

For a few days, his father was acting a bit more attentive; cooking for Kurt or asking how was his day. As the days passed by, the man seemed more and more uncomfortable with Kurt's silence and tried to talk to him more. The more his father tried to get him to talk, the more Kurt shut him out.

It went worse when his mom decided that she preferred her boyfriend and moved out to another state, telling Kurt only once she had packed her things in her car and was about to leave. She told him that she'd come back to the rest of her things later and that he had the house all for himself. She also told him that she wanted him to visit her and send her messages daily, to let her know how he was.

His father was in rage when he found out. For once, Kurt believed that he was angry because of his ex-wife behavior rather than at Kurt having to look after himself. Kurt insisted that he could live alone in the house and that he'd look out for a job and that his mom would send him money too but his father wouldn't hear a word of it.

Two days later Kurt had moved his stuff into his father's house, including his mom huge TV, which was on his room now. When he was "completely moved", as his father called it, the older Hummel ordered a pizza and they _celebrated. _

His mother's abandonment left him hopeless. That was it. He was the most unwanted person on the whole planet. His _own_ mother had left him. Mothers were supposed to love their children more than anything, but she didn't loved him 'cause he was _useless_, _worthless_, _unloved_.

Kurt almost had a panic attack one afternoon his father entered into his room abruptly and he was cutting himself. He was glad he was sitting on the floor with his back to the bed, which meant that he had his back to the door, and he had the time to roll down his sleeves to avoid his father seeing the cuts. He could feel his sleeve sticking to his arm because of the dripping blood.

"Do you want to go shopping? You like shopping," his father stated.

Kurt looked at him with doe eyes. Yes, he did love shopping, but his father hated it. Why did he want to go shopping?

"I, huh, give me a second to go to the bathroom."

He took another hoodie and rushed past his father to go to the bathroom and clean himself up. He combed his hair and went out to meet his dad.

It was kind of a good day, if you asked Kurt. Yeah, his father spent most of it talking on the phone with his girlfriend but they were together for more than three hours and that hadn't happened in a long time. His father insisted that Kurt pick new clothes and shoes 'cause he wasn't dressing like himself lately and his dad guessed it was because his clothes had gotten old and didn't fit him anymore. That was when Kurt realized he hadn't been that worried about his image lately, he hadn't been waking up early to comb his hair or pick his outfit the night before. Actually, he would just pick some big dark hoodie that would hide his wounds, some straight jeans that wouldn't itch the cuts of his thighs.

So he picked out some clothes: dark sweaters, hoodies and some baggy jeans.

"This is not you, Kurt." His father looked warily at the pile of clothes in Kurt's hands. "I saw a few of those colorful pants you like so much, and pick a few shirts or those vests."

If Kurt was being honest, he did like a pair of white skin tights jeans and some button up shirts and vests. But, he couldn't see himself in those clothes anymore. He wasn't that confident guy who'd walk around the world with his head high and proud of who he was; he was a quiet closed off guy, who was always thinking that people was looking at him 'cause they knew his secret, that they could see the cuts under his clothes, and how useless he was.

He ended picking a few shirts, vests and jeans along with scarves and shoes his father showed him. But, secretly, he was happier with the hoodies and baggy clothes he was also buying.

Kurt didn't understand what had gotten into his he talked to him, then he took him shopping and then he insisted on buying flamboyant clothes.

"You know Kurt, you used to be such a happy little boy, and now you barely talk… let alone smile," his father told him when they were going back home.

"I just… I guess I don't feel like talking anymore."

And, just like that, they went back to what they were: two strangers with the same blood living in the same house.

It hurt Kurt worst, 'cause it showed him how their relationship could be but wasn't… and it was all his fault. It was his damn fault 'cause he wouldn't even talk to his father, who was trying to save their relationship.

Nervously and even angrier with himself, Kurt started digging his fingernails in his palms and biting hard on his lip, wanting so desperately to cut. And he did, as soon as they arrived home. He slid the razor time and time again along his skin as he sobbed and punched at his thigh. He felt so stupid and such an asshole. How could he do that to his father when he only wanted to talk to his son? He was the worst son on earth and he deserved being alone and unwanted.

The days seemed to pass so fast after that day at the mall with his father and, when the twenty first day arrived Kurt decided that he wouldn't cut himself anymore.

Too bad that just one day after that, he heard his father talking on the phone with his girlfriend telling her that he didn't know what to do with Kurt. Kurt knew it was because he was such a bad son that his father didn't know what to do with him… or that was what Kurt interpreted. Once again he didn't realize what he was doing until he saw the blood running down his arms again.

After he cleaned everything up and threw his razors away he sat on his bed looking down at his hands. He wasn't an addict. He hadn't become addicted to cutting. He just needed to relieve the tension inside and the razors just happened to be there. But now that he had thrown them away he wouldn't cut ever again.

When he convinced himself that cutting hadn't become a habit to him, he relaxed a little bit and was able to sleep.

But it didn't stop there, in the following weeks he'd find a way to hurt himself without having to get a new razor, he'd re-open his scars with his nails, bit hard on his lips until they bleed or get really swollen, pull his hair out or punch his thighs.

Less than two weeks after he threw his razors out, he couldn't take it anymore. He _needed_ to cut himself. So he bought a new bunch of razors and knifes but he convinced himself that he was going through a hard moment in his life and that it was just for critical moments, he wouldn't cut regularly… he wasn't a cutter.

Things got worse and worse in his life, at least socially. He didn't care about what his parents thought if he didn't talk anymore, he ate less and less, he felt tired every single moment of every day. Even if he had just woke up: he was tired. He was more pale and thinner than ever, he had dark circles under his eyes even when he slept every single moment of the day when he wasn't cutting, doing his homework, eating or having a shower. He couldn't look at people's faces anymore, 'cause he was sure they knew, they could see it in his eyes. He was so pathetic, so shameful, so useless and they knew it.

It killed him when his father looked at him with pity or petted his hair or hugged him out of the blue.

Kurt knew he wasn't the son his father wanted, and it killed him that he had to deal with the lame excuse of son he got.

And that didn't seem fair to Kurt. So he tried being as invisible to his father as he could. He tried to be as little as possible in his house and that was worse for him, 'cause he was more and more tired every day, he'd feel more anxious when he was away from his home because he constantly felt that people were staring at him.

And then, one day, what he had been so afraid of, happened. Someone found him cutting.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys, thank you so much for reading, following and reviewing 21r. It's really important for me and were all a bunch of cute cupcakes 3 Thaaaank you so much, really.

Also, I will never get tired of thanking my gorgeous beta, Camille, 'cause she's been nothing but the most amazing person ever since the first time that we talked. I love you, sweetie 3

So… Here's the second and last part of this story. Hope you liked it and I really hope you like the ending 3 I'm sorry for putting Kurt through all this.

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**II**

He had run out of one of his classes 'cause he had totally forgotten that he had to do homework and he felt so damn stupid. He run to hide in the girl's bathroom 'cause they paid more attention to class; guys, on the other hand, asked to go to the bathroom every five minutes.

Kurt felt lucky when his fingers found a sharp edge inside of his jean's pocket and took out a forgotten razor. He didn't think it twice before sliding the sharp tool along his fading and recent scars on his forearm, opening new wounds here and there; loving those seconds the wound would take to bleed. He was so amazed by the injured skin of his arms that he didn't realize he wasn't alone until someone spoke.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

His eyes shot wide open as he heard the terrified voice and his blood covered razor fell on the floor, making a metallic clink that broke the terrifying silence.

"I-huh… don't tell theteachers, please! I-I just pretend you didn't see it, I'll just go away. Please don't tell anyone."

He tried to rush past the girl, but she grabbed him by the upper arm. "Oh, no. You ain't going anywhere. Put your arms under the tap, I'll go grab some towels. If you're not here when I come back I will start screaming up and down the halls and tell everybody what you're doing to yourself."

"You don't even know my name." Kurt shrugged.

"Your name is Kurt, smartass." For the first time, he looked at the girl. She was as tall as him, with dark skin and dark hair that fell in waves to his shoulders; she dressed like a rainbow. 'Technicolor zebra´ was the definition that came to his mind. "Now, clean those nasty cuts. I'll be back in a second."

Leaving Kurt gaping, the girl strutted out the bathroom.

He stood there, watching the running water take away all the blood. He felt like he didn't truly understand what was happening. Someone found out his secret. Someone knew how fucked up he was. But he wasn't freaking out, he was just staring at the running water. That was how fucked up he was. He didn't care about anything, he knew he should care but he just didn't. He was numb. He knew he could meet the president or be bitten by a shark and he wouldn't even care. And he also knew that he should be worried that he wasn't worried… but then again, he wasn´t.

"I thought you would be gone by now. I'm glad you're still here."

It was the girl again. He looked at her from the corner of his eye as he turned off the water.

When the girl realized Kurt wouldn't talk or approach her in any way, she walked to him and took one of his forearms. "You know what you're doing is really bad, don't you?" She looked at him almost hopeful, waiting for a response. Nothing. "You know, there are people who get drunk to drown their sorrows, others prefer to beat the shit out of someone, there are ones who starve themselves and others smoke or get into drugs or pimp their bodies to everyone… and there are people like you, Kurt, silent people that close off and don't let anyone in, that go through all their pain alone. And I know that c-cutting is a way to let out all that pain, but you're not doing any good to yourself. There are healthier ways to let it all out. You could write what you're feeling, go out with friends, play an instrument, talk about what you're feeling with someone, you could _sing_, draw, listen to music, go for a swim, take the dog for a walk, or bake."

Kurt kept staring at her for a few seconds; he knew he was making the girl uncomfortable. "How do you know my name?"

The girl looked up from their hands, as she kept petting the injured arm with the towel.

"Well, you are in at least two of my classes. You're the only one who looks as though he likes what we're doing when we do impromptu performances and you also auditioned at the beginning of the year for the Glee club; your version of Mr. Cellophane was outstanding, you left us all wondering why didn't you come back."

Kurt shrugged one more time.

"My name's Mercedes, if you were wondering."

He let out a quiet, "Nice to meet you." He could be shy, but he wasn't rude.

"Well, at least you said something. How do you cope when your friends or family talk to you, Kurt?"

"I don't have friends and my family doesn't really care."

He could hear the click inside the girl's head when she realized he was alone, but he wasn't really expecting it when she pulled him into a bear hug and he had to refrain himself from pushing her away.

"Why don't you come with me to the Glee club?"

"Shouldn't you be in class?" He retorted, trying to distract her.

"No, I escaped from Biology. But it's okay you don't have to come to Glee, but you'll have lunch with me and my friends. I won't let you be alone anymore."

Why did she even care? Why didn't she just leave him alone to do whatever he wanted, even it was hurting himself?

Kurt didn't want to get close to someone who'd ditch him later when she'd realize how fucked up he was, how worthless he was.

"I like being alone."

"No, you don't. Now there's only just fifteen minutes until lunch, why don't we get to know each other."

That sounded a lot like a pick up line to him.

"I'm gay."

"That's what I'm talking about, it's huge step. What can I say? I'm… huh… I like to sing and I come from a very Catholic family. Now you."

"That wasn't me trying to be open. That was me telling you that, if you were somewhat interested in me, you should know that I don't play for your team."

She grabbed his hand and pulled him down to sit on the floor with her, cross legged.

Kurt felt really stupid sitting on the girl's bathroom's floor, talking to a girl he didn't know but found him cutting.

"It's okay, I have a boyfriend. Now, tell me more about yourself."

"I don't like talking."

"That's okay, I can do the talking for both of us."

Just like that Kurt got his first friend in a very long time. Mercedes did talk for the both of them, she always had something to say and didn't seem bothered if Kurt didn't talk back; which didn't mean that she didn't try to get him to talk.

A week after they met, Mercedes won't leave him alone, she had introduced him to the Glee Club and while most of them were kind and tried to get close to him, there were a few who wouldn't even look at him. The girls practically adopted him as a _new baby_; they were always playing with his hair or pinching his cheeks.

Kurt thought that the day after he met Mercedes, the entire school would know about his thing with the razors but it had been three weeks and no one looked at him differently.

At home, things hadn't changed that much. His father still looked at him with that pity in his eyes that made Kurt's stomach tangle and made him feel sick; his mother didn't call him but sent tons of messages saying how disappointed in him she was because he hadn't called her even once.

He didn't stop cutting, he always found a reason for doing it. He felt really stupid 'cause he cried for every little thing.

There was one day that Mercedes had convinced him to join her that day in Glee. As soon as they got into the room, the girls pushed him to sit in between them and started talking all at once and really fast. He just nodded or shrugged as he kept looking at his shoes.

And then it was when Quinn entered sobbing and being held by one of the girls. She told everyone how her father found out that she was pregnant and had kicked her out of her house. The baby's father, Finn Hudson, kept sitting there looking at the piano while everyone else patted her back or said something nice.

"Hey, Quinn," Kurt laid his hand on the shivering shoulder, she looked at him with amazed yet teary eyes, "I know parents can be so blind sometimes and they seem oblivious to what we need. I don't have a nice relationship with my parents but…"

"This is not a place to share our sob stories, Kurt. So we'd appreciate it if you just keep yours to yourself and the ones who actually care." The guy with the Mohawk, Puck, said.

Pressing his lips together into a thin line, Kurt nodded, his nails already scratching his forearms beneath his hoodie.

Not really caring if anyone thought he was "such a girl" or "so pathetic" he stood up and almost ran out of the room, biting back sobs as he heard Mercedes and a few other girls and boys yell at Puckerman.

He felt so weak, why couldn't he just stand there with his head high, like the old Kurt would? Puckerman would be right if he called him a pussy or something like that. He heard Mercedes following him, but as soon as he was out of sight of the Glee Club he started running until he reached his car and drove straight home.

Kurt was glad his father wasn't there so he could sob and scream all he wanted.

_Once again, life had showed him he was unwanted._

It was the first time in years that he had tried to talk to someone, to show someone he cared and he was beaten down and told that _no one cared_. He knew that, he knew that there wasn't a single person in the world that cared about him, that they'd be all better if he wasn't there or at least, they really wouldn't care if he _disappeared_.

That was when he realized that one thought was constantly in his head. _Disappearing_. And that usually he felt like everything would be better if he disappeared. His parents would be happier, people wouldn't have to look at him with pity, like Mercedes, and guys like Puck wouldn't have to deal with his disgusting self anymore.

So yeah, disappearing sounded like a great option for him.

Even if it seemed almost impossible, it all became worse when Mercedes convinced him to go to a theme park with her, Sam and Finn, who was sort of depressed 'cause he found out that Quinn's baby wasn't his.

At first it all went really great. Sam, Mercedes' boyfriend, was a great and really funny guy who did dorky impressions and looked at Mercedes like she was the sun of his world. Kurt wanted someone to look at him like that, but he didn't feel jealous. Finn, on the other side, was talking even less than Kurt and saying bitter things that made Mercedes glare at him and Sam come out with some other silly joke. Sam got Kurt to talk a little more; he talked about his childhood and how much he loved fashion, even if he hadn't really paid attention to it in the past months. He made sure not to get into deep things. Even then, Finn always found something bad to say.

And then it happened. He was talking with Mercedes and she managed to spill her drink on him and, without even thinking what was he doing, he rolled up one of his sleeves and tried to clean the falling drink with the paper napkins and saw Finn staring straightly at his arm. He looked at him with wide eyes as he rolled the sleeve down quickly and hid both his arms under the table.

"I-huh… Sam and I are going to get some more napkins."

She almost ripped her boyfriend's arm off as she tried to get him out of there.

Once they were gone, Kurt turned to Finn, who was looking straight at the point where Kurt's bare arm had been.

"Finn, I swear I can explain, but you can't tell anyone about what you saw!"

"And what exactly did I see, Kurt?" The taller guy asked with an unreadable face.

"The-the cuts on my arms, I swear I'm trying to stop but you can't…"

"God, you're such an attention whore, Kurt! You have to tell everyone that you cut your fucking self, well nobody cares! Nobody gives a fucking shit about you, so stop trying to get anyone to look at you. You want them to pity you because you painted red lines with your marker! Well here's the news, dude, everyone pities you because you're _so pathetic_ and-and… god just _stay away, freak_!"

This time he couldn't help it; he broke in loud sobs and ran away.

"Kurt! Kurt, wait… I didn't-Kurt!"

This time, Finn's steps were longer and faster than his so, in just a matter of seconds, his trembling body was pulled into Finn's strong arms.

"Hey, no, don't cry. I didn't want to… I-I'm so sorry, little guy. I wasn't…"

Sobbing and punching Finn in the chest, Kurt finally got him to let him go. "Don't e-ever touch me o-o-or talk to me a-again… Ever!"

This time he could run away and get to his car before the amazingly tall teenager caught him again.

He drove five minutes before having to pull over because tears were clouding his vision and he wasn't able to drive anymore. Kurt curled up in his seat sobbing his heart out.

Was it true? Was he an attention whore? He cut just so people could pity him, or was that what Finn wanted him to believe. He was a freak, he was pathetic and no one cared about him. Finn said it, his father said it, and his mother had confirmed it.

He picked out a German pocket knife he always had in the car's glove box. He didn't even pull up the sleeves, he just threw his sweater on the backseat and ran the knife along his arms, as deep as he could, still sobbing so hard that it was hard to breathe. And then he saw it, so much fucking blood. He had cut way to deep and he didn't know what to do. So he pressed the sweater over the deep cuts, hoping it would stop the bleeding a little bit but it wasn't stopping and he was feeling really dizzy and cold, he was shivering and felt an even colder sweat running down his temples. He knew that was not good, so he tried to call Mercedes; who answered almost immediately and didn't let him say a word before telling him that they could see his car from where they were and not to move from there. Kurt, however was having trouble breathing and to control the bleeding. The last thing he remembered saying was "I don't feel good."

And then it was all black.

"Your mother called." The older Hummel said from his bedside. There was no sign in Kurt that he had heard what his father said. "Uhm, she's… she's not coming, buddy. But… It doesn't matter you know. I'm here with you, I'll always be here for you. You know, uhm, I-I don't believe that you tried to kill yourself, Kurt. I know you wouldn't, you wouldn't do it. No matter what the doctors say. But if you don't talk, if you don't say what's going on inside you, we can't help you. We all want to help you, son." He grabbed the bandaged hand in his bigger one and looked into his son's empty eyes. "Kurt, I'm not judging you. You know? I know I've been the world's shittiest father, and that you didn't win the lottery with your mother either. But I want to make it all better, so I can be as good father for you as I can. But you gotta help me here, buddy. You have to tell me what's wrong, what can I do to make everything work. I know you don't want to go to that rehab place, but you refused to talk with the psychologist too."

Twisting his head to look right into his father's eyes, Kurt opened his mouth for the first time in days, "I want to go home."

His voice was hoarse, his throat was sore, but he would have given the world to see that amazed and full of tears stare his father gave him.

"One more day, son. But you hafta promise you'll talk with the psychologist when she comes here in a few hours." Kurt shrugged. "_Kurt._"

"I'll try."

Kurt felt more relaxed when the nice nurse, the one his father had been pining for over the past few days was taking care of him. She had a warm smile and treated Kurt like her little son. He liked her, but there was a problem: She was Finn's mom.

Her name was Carole and she was the one to get him into the hospital so fast when Finn called her with an unconscious and bleeding Kurt in his arms. Mercedes pressed her jacket on the cuts until it seemed like they had stopped bleeding and Sam left them at the hospital's door, where Finn's mom and some other doctors were already waiting for them.

He needed a few blood donations and stitches, but in a matter of days he was much better. But he had to stay at home for a few weeks and still had some stitches on the deep cuts. The psychotherapist and the psychiatrist had prescribed him some pills and anti-depressants; which made him feel numb and a bit tired.

His father was glad that it had been almost the end of the school year when it happened so Kurt could just take some exams and then relax over the summer holidays and he wouldn't have to repeat a year of repeat classes.

Kurt knew Finn and Mercedes stayed at the hospital until he had woken up and came back to visit him once or twice but he had always pretended to be asleep or looked right to his lap, not answering when they asked him something or even pretending that he wasn't listening to them.

His father had looked at them in surprise when Mercedes told him, crying, that they were Kurt's only friends and yet he wouldn't even talk to them. So, as soon as Kurt was back at home, Burt had let Mercedes and a few of the New Directions spend some hours there.

There were days when Kurt would let them stay in his room with him and, on the really great days, he would even say a few words or sentences.

Of course, Mercedes was the one who he allowed to stay closer to him, even to pet his hair or have Kurt's head in her lap. Finn hadn't appeared yet. The others told Kurt every now and then that he sent greetings and sometimes he would send him a chocolate or a "fashion magazine that he saw and reminded him of Kurt." He'd say thank you, but never invited Finn over or say anything else.

Kurt couldn't do anything, his father and Mercedes had allied together or something like that in order to not leave him alone even for a day. There were always different people with him who'd try to invite him to different places and Burt who tried to convince him to go. He always said things like, "Oh, that sounds like a great place," or, "They have really good food there, I've never been there but they say it's a great place," and Kurt almost always groaned and hit his head with his hand when his father practically beamed and said, "Oh, shopping. You love shopping, kiddo."

When the school started again, Kurt didn't feel ready to go for the entire week. So he started going for a few days at a time and his father got him a tutor. He wasn't going to lose a year.

Eventually, Kurt started feeling tired of having all those people around him all the time. If he wasn't at school, he was with the therapist, the psychiatrist, the tutor, his father or the New Directions. He didn't have a minute for himself, to relax and just look at the ceiling.

He knew they all wanted him to "get better", but he felt better; Kurt only wanted them to leave him alone. He wouldn't hurt himself anymore. Yeah, he still felt the need to cut sometimes but he was really afraid of cutting too deep again and they knew it, even though they hadn't talked about the subject openly, only with Burt, to whom Kurt had sworn he wouldn't do it again.

But his father wanted him to go out and make friends; which was why the older Hummel almost jumped up and down when Kurt agreed to go with the New Directions to their Sectionals. And by "agreed" it meant that Mercedes and Quinn had sat with his father and him in the Hummel's kitchen talking about how much everybody wanted him to go for three hours until Kurt was coaxed into accompanying them.

His father had changed completely since his mother had gone away; he was the father Kurt had always wanted and he wasn't making things easy for Burt. So when the competition day came around he dressed up in the beautiful yet untouched clothes they had bought on their trip to the mall a few months ago.

Kurt loved the way the black jeans were practically glued to his skin and the grey vest accentuated his itty bitty waist. He hadn't worn tight clothes for months, or even decent sized clothes. He had been wearing two and almost three sizes larger, trying to hide his body and thinking that people would know about his cuts if wore tight clothes.

Also, f or the first time in months, he did his moisturizing routine and coiffed his hair, which was a little longer so he had to put a lot of spray in it and manage it to look messy yet really hot, and it hid a bit the length of his locks.

Kurt heard Mercedes and his father wolf whistle as he came down the stairs. The older Hummel was going on a date with certain kind faced nurse that may or may not be Finn Hudson's mother. He liked the idea of his father dating someone again and, even if it was a little selfish, he liked the idea of his father dating someone in the same state even more.

After saying goodbye to his father, who hugged him and almost cried like Kurt was going on a trip, he hopped up in the car with Mercedes and drove straight to the school. The Glee Club was already on the bus that was taking them to Westerville, where the competition was being held, waiting for the two of them.

Quinn made him sit next to her and held his hand the whole two hours they took to get there, and squeezed it tightly when he sang along quietly to the songs the rest of the group were singing.

Finn and Puck kept away from him, so he could relax a bit and the rest of the group was really welcoming and treated him like their little baby.

As soon as they arrived they were guided to the auditorium where there were another two groups already waiting, it was four hours before the competition started so the audience hadn't arrived yet. One of the groups, The Hipsters, was formed by adults that were finishing their studies; and the other, the Dalton Academy Warblers, a group of all guys.

One of the judges read the rules and assigned the places the performance slots during the competition, who'd sing first and who last. Then he let the groups go backstage to dress up and rehearse a little. When they all stood up, the three groups shook the other groups hands and wished them good luck.

Kurt eyes shot wide open as he saw two of the Dalton guys with their arms wrapped around each other and how the blond one leaned in to steal a kiss from the brunette.

"You'll have that someday, Boo." Mercedes gave him a sweet smile.

Kurt sighed and made a little pout. "I know I will."

He gave the couple another look but, when he was turned away, he met the gaze of a pair of doe hazel eyes. A pair of eyes that were attached to a very handsome guy who was looking straight at Kurt.

"He's totally checking you up. He has since you started looking at the cute couple. His name is Blaine and he's the lead soloist of their group. He introduced himself a few minutes ago."

Kurt didn't answer back; he was too busy blushing as the cute guy gave him a wink and a sweet smile.

"Mercedes, Kurt, we have to go in," Quinn called.

Kurt gave the cute guy an apologetic smile as he walked to the changing room with the New Directions. He stayed with them until the first group was about to sing. He listened their worries and Rachel's complaints about not having a solo. He helped them with their costumes and then, he sat in the choir's assigned seating for after their performance.

From where he was, he could see the cute couple a few rows down and the hazel eyed guy, in their same row. The Dalton guy seemed to be looking for someone in the crowd and then he looked close when the New Directions sang, like who he was looking for was on the stage.

Kurt and Mr. Shue stood up and cheered as Sam and Quinn reached the stage and the whole group sang together and then it was when Kurt saw a dark skinned boy next to the cute Dalton guy shake his shoulder and point in Kurt's direction. And then he met those huge hazel eyes again and he felt his knees go weak. He ducked down his head when the guy waved at him.

When the New Directions ended their performance, Kurt and the teacher clapped and whistled louder than everyone, stealing smiles from the group. But Kurt wasn't that relaxed, the cute guy hadn't stopped looking at him.

"You know him, Kurt?"

The pale guy shrugged as he wrapped his arms around his waist. He felt nervous. Maybe going out wasn't a good choice. Why if the cute guy was laughing at his clothes and then he saw him staring and decided to flirt with him for a laugh with his friends?

When he looked up, the Warblers were already on stage and the cute guy was singing a Train song and making weird faces. Kurt could feel the guy looking at his direction time and time again, but he managed to look at the other guys in blazers or the floor.

Kurt was really confused when the judges said that both groups had won, and also he felt bad for the poor Hipsters. It must have felt horrible.

He gave the girls a big bear hug and let the guys pat his back, even Finn and Puck. He even took a sip of the Champagne when they cheered and then, as subtly as he could, he left the room and tried to find the Warblers. But when he found it, they were talking in a circle and he didn't feel like interrupting just to ask their lead vocalist if he was playing a joke or something like that.

He was about to walk away when he dropped his phone on the floor and every set of eyes in the room focused on him.

Scared and shaking Kurt started to stutter an apology.

"Hey!" the hazel eyed guy beamed.

"I-I-I… sorry."

He all but ran away after stuttering an apology one more time. As soon as he found an empty room he hid inside.

"Hey, hey, wait! You! Wait a second."

He turned around to see the cute guy on the door looking at him with a dazzling smile and breathing hard.

"There you are." Cute guy took a step closer to Kurt. "I've been looking for you forever."


End file.
